As I go through and revise my final draft, I am working on increasing the precision of my writing. Here, I chose the most wordy section and tried to simplify it. While it is not the longest section, I feel it began to wordily.
Original Excerpt:
Due to a historical disparity in the involvement of women in tech fields as compared to that of men, increasing the diversity within tech industries has become an issue of growing importance. Many influential people such as Tim Cook, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg have spoken out in support of increasing diversity.
Revised Excerpt:
The historic disparity of females in tech fields as compared to men increases the importance of diversity within tech industries. Influential people such as Tim Cook, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg have voiced their support of this diversity.
How is the rewritten section different from the original, from the perspective of your audience? Is it better? In what way? Is it worse? In what way?
The revised section is more concise and to the point. It began much too wordy. It sounded like I was trying to sound smart. I think the reduction of wordiness made it more accessible to the audience.
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